About “You Promised Me!”

There are times in our lives when we can feel the touch of the Divine, I think. When we are moved by something bigger than us. Certainly when it comes to those times of life and death.

I have struggled with how to speak of God to you, dear Friend, since there are so many meanings and emotions around god. The idea of the Divine seems to be as individual as our fingerprints. We each experience a Higher Power in a different way. And when we are living through those times that try our beliefs, that push our knowing to the breaking point, that force us into the "dark night of the soul", our concepts of the reality of god(dess) shift many times. We, and our beliefs, become tempered in the flames of life's trials.

Before going through Cee's coma and illness I was a spiritual person, although I didn't belong to any religion, preferring to find my spiritual teacher and comfort in the beauty of the world around me. But when I would talk with people in the hospital, or call our friends to update them, I found that everyone expected me, indeed, wanted me to be able to converse with them in more traditional terms. Other people wanted a context, even if I didn't feel I needed one. When they asked me how I made it through, it was much easier to say "let go and let God" and that seemed to please them. That comforted them, even if it didn't mean all that much to me.

My relationship with "All That Is" grew much stronger through all of this. Our conversations, mine with Spirit, evolved into an innate knowing, a knowing that allowed me to feel when Spirit was passing through me, when thoughts and ideas were beyond what I could imagine. I found that I could go out and scream at god and could feel better for doing so. I found a way to express my emotions, to talk about my feelings, and those feelings became the voicing of my spirituality.

It has become my personal belief, my inner knowing, that each of us must somehow find something beyond ourselves. If you do not, you will be crushed by the loneliness that arrives when you must face the difficult times in your life. No matter how many people you have around you, no matter how much they care for you, there will be a time in every day when you have to face life alone. Only your faith can stay with you. You can wear it like a cloak and stay warm, or face the bitter cold of aloneness. Listen to what you are hearing in your heart. It will be the whisper of Infinite Joy.

You Promised Me!

I arrived at the meeting room early, like usual. I'm chronically early. Obsessively early. Maybe even pathologically early. I can't help it. I hate being late.

I looked through the doorway and there, across an empty room, I saw her. In my head, at that instant, I heard a voice. Calm, assertive, definite.

"This is the person you will spend the rest of your life with."

The voice was so real, so tangible, that it never occurred to me to question its origin or purpose.

"This is the person you will spend the rest of your life with."

Oh, no. Not me. No way.

"This is the person you will spend the rest of your life with."

Relationships don't work. I've tried them. No way.

"This is the person you will spend the rest of your life with."

Leave me alone. I'm not interested.

"This is the person you will spend the rest of your life with."

Is it any wonder that, eleven years later, when I found myself sitting by her bedside, watching her in her coma, listening to the machine that was forcing air into her body, praying she wouldn't die, that I would look up to the heavens and scream, "You promised me!"

About “Primal Scream”

This is a comment about the story "Primal Scream". If you haven't read it, please drop down below and do that first, then return here.

Dear Friend,

There are times in all of our lives when we are so overwhelmed and so weighed down by our life that it feels like we can't keep it inside without exploding into a million pieces. That's where I was with "Primal Scream". I decided that I had to vent to stay sane. So I stood out on a little hill in the middle of nowhere and tried to push everything out of me before I cracked. It's a wonderful thing to do if you can. Sure beats beating your fist against a wall (and having to repair the wall afterwards) or driving like a lunatic. And it doesn't come with a hangover. Massive emotion brings massive pressure inside of you. Find a safe way to let it out, please.

When I work with children in grief, I let them have time in a room with padded walls and floor, with a big punching bag and lots and lots of foam balls and blocks that they can throw or stack and dive into. The volume in that room would frighten any adult, believe me. Kids know how to let loose and express their emotions. They know how to scream out the things we feel but are too grown up, too well trained by society to ever say out loud, the things that are screaming inside of us that we are afraid to let out.

I hate you for leaving me.

Why did you go?

You left me behind with all of this mess to clean up. How dare you!

I don't want to be alone.

Where did you go?

I need you.

Don't you love me enough to stay with me?

What did I do wrong?

How will I survive without you?

Find a safe way to scream it out, punch it out, run it out before you explode. Find a safety valve to let some of the pressure out before you crack, or before you hurt yourself or others. Try a Primal Scream.