About “Primal Scream”

This is a comment about the story "Primal Scream". If you haven't read it, please drop down below and do that first, then return here.

Dear Friend,

There are times in all of our lives when we are so overwhelmed and so weighed down by our life that it feels like we can't keep it inside without exploding into a million pieces. That's where I was with "Primal Scream". I decided that I had to vent to stay sane. So I stood out on a little hill in the middle of nowhere and tried to push everything out of me before I cracked. It's a wonderful thing to do if you can. Sure beats beating your fist against a wall (and having to repair the wall afterwards) or driving like a lunatic. And it doesn't come with a hangover. Massive emotion brings massive pressure inside of you. Find a safe way to let it out, please.

When I work with children in grief, I let them have time in a room with padded walls and floor, with a big punching bag and lots and lots of foam balls and blocks that they can throw or stack and dive into. The volume in that room would frighten any adult, believe me. Kids know how to let loose and express their emotions. They know how to scream out the things we feel but are too grown up, too well trained by society to ever say out loud, the things that are screaming inside of us that we are afraid to let out.

I hate you for leaving me.

Why did you go?

You left me behind with all of this mess to clean up. How dare you!

I don't want to be alone.

Where did you go?

I need you.

Don't you love me enough to stay with me?

What did I do wrong?

How will I survive without you?

Find a safe way to scream it out, punch it out, run it out before you explode. Find a safety valve to let some of the pressure out before you crack, or before you hurt yourself or others. Try a Primal Scream.

Primal Scream

Part of an ongoing personal history... the story of living through my partner's coma in 2001. I'm writing it down for the first time to reach out to others who have lived through, or are going through life's losses.

The nice thing about living on 35 acres is that you can go outside whenever you want and scream your head off and no one will call the cops.

Why was I outside screaming my head off? I was trying to keep my heart from hurting so much. I wanted the pain to go away. I wanted Some One to hear me and make my world right. The love of my life was in the hospital, hooked up to a dozen IVs, breathing through a tube down her throat, with more tubes sucking the blood out of her neck and taking it to a big machine that cleaned it and sent it back to her neck and down to her heart. She was in a coma and I couldn't find her any more. That's why I was screaming my head off in the middle of nowhere.

The land I was standing on was in Colorado, in view of Pike's Peak. It was once healing land, where the original inhabitants of those vast, open spaces would gather to pray to their gods, asking for things to be made right. They would chant, and drum, and dance, knowing that some unseen Force would hear them. And here I was, in the age of computers, doing the same thing. Except mine was a bit less organized and not quite so reverent, I suspect. Mine tended more toward anger and shaking my fist up at God. I was violent and demanding of answers, resentful and desperate, longing and willing to bargain, terrified and alone. I think the ancient dwellers of this land were a bit more evolved than I was in my frantic grief.

When the echoes of my screams faded away all that was left was the blowing of the wind. Perhaps I will find my answers there.

In the years since this event I have been on a spiritual quest, looking for the answers to the big "WHY?". That journey has led me to become a grief and loss counselor. If this message has touched you, please share your experiences with me, either through comments here, or by emailing me if you don't want a public view. (See my profile for the address.)

Grief and Loss Defined

Grief: The feeling that your life has spun out of control.

Loss: A hole in your world, caused by a life event, that creates a feeling of grief.

Can it be that simple? Yes. Things happen to us. That's normal. That's life. But how we interpret them, what they mean to us, how we react to them changes us, changes our lives. Those reactions, good or bad, leave a hole where our life's path diverged from the route it was on. There is an emptiness that remains. The Loss.

We feel that loss, don't we? We feel it in so many ways. Big ways. Little ways. It depends on how important the loss feels to us. What does it feel like? Many things. Sadness, certainly. Loss is sad. But it can also feel like happiness, anger, revenge, confusion, depression... a long list of emotions that can swirl you around in circles, or throw you up and down like a roller coaster, mire you down in mental quicksand or leave you feeling like you're in a slow motion tornado. The Grief.