This is a comment about the story "The Wisdom of Harry". If you haven't read it, please do that first and then return here.
When Harry told me "you just do", it left me feeling frustrated. I wanted words of comfort, promises of salvation, something, anything to hang onto. But Harry knew, as I know now, and as I suppose I realized deep inside of me then, that there were no promises to be made. Not ones that could be kept, anyway. Life is uncertain. Things change. We adjust. We bend. Yes, some people break. But most don't. We are, after all, self healing beings.
What I found is that time and life create a healing scab. Difficult to hear when you are in the middle of your pain. But it's easier to live through those times if you can share them with someone else. Find a good listener, someone with whom you can share your feelings. Tell that person you don't need any feedback from them. You just want them to listen, and hold you if you ask them to. You just need to know that you are not alone in this world, that someone hears your cries.
You don't need fixing, so tell your listener to give you no feedback. As Harry knew, there is nothing to say that wouldn't ultimately be false or shallow. When you are in your grief you are in a very private place because no one can truly know what you are feeling. I can tell you that you'll make it through, that the pain will lessen, that someday you will smile again, but you won't believe it from where you are. Your world has collapsed and I wouldn't try to sugar coat that because, in those dark and lonely nights of the soul, you would see through me.
"You just do." Yes, it's true You just do make it through. It's a process, but you do make it through. It's been eight years now since I heard those words. They ring in my head every time I face a challenge, because they are the truest, most honest, most valuable words I have ever heard in my life.
You just do.
2 comments:
Hi Chris,
Just found your blog and I connected with your stories and your work as a grief counselor. I wanted to comment on this post that I totally agree with the importance of finding someone who will listen and allow you to feel what you're feeling without trying to "fix" it - or you! When I lost my son to a drug overdose 5 years ago, that was one of the most important gifts I received. I had a few good friends who were willing to listen to my story and my pain as often as I felt the need to share it. They would hug me and offer tissues but they never tried to "make me feel better." They just listened and held a space for me. There were others who felt they needed to talk me out of what I was feeling or who could not listen to me because of the pain that caused in them. That's okay - not everyone is comfortable or equipped to deal with that kind of deep pain. I just know that I am forever grateful to those friends who could just listen.
And Harry was right about how you get through it. You just do.
Blessings to you in your work!
Chris, you are a very good writer - you have a great way of telling a story and expressing your feelings. I think your message about listening is so important - whether it's to listen to a friend who is going through something difficult or just listening to your partner/spouse talk about their day - it's all so important.
Allison
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